I Am The Infected: Breaking The Silence Behind Pinworms


biohazard

That’s right. I have it – that thing no one ever talks about. I am infected with a plague that is growing inside of my body, an ailment so damning and taboo that I am unable to confess it to anyone. But I walk around in shame, hanging my head low, worried about the prospect of spreading it to others. I feel so alone. And dirty. And disgusting. But I know I can’t be the only one.

Statistically speaking, given the contagious nature of my malady, and with figures concluding that as many as 1 in 7 people in the world are infected at any given time, I know that there are others out there. People just like me. People looking to break the silence. And yet, there are no discussions. No ribbons. No awareness drawn to the issue. It is the biggest secret that most people will never tell.

As a result, there are a lot of things we don’t know about controlling the problem or reversing the spread. Questions remain unanswered. Resources are outdated or hard to come by. And, in our absence of education about the matter, many of us are doomed to failures that will result in becoming infected again. And if you are like most sane people in the world, once you have suffered with this you will never, EVER want to experience it again. So, despite my shy nature, my mother’s lessons in etiquette, and my hope to retain a shred of dignity, I am opening up about what I have learned in my fight against these invaders.

1. The First Pinworm Egg. Ever.

The first question most people with this upsetting problem will ask is “How did I get this?!” Truly, it could come from any number of places. But, most likely, as surely as you are reading this, you have a small child in your life (whom you love dearly) that is the sole culprit. And it’s not their fault, exactly.

They probably go to school. And the playground. And the library. And interact with other kids who go to other schools. And playgrounds. And libraries. And all of them, especially the youngest ones, do the things that grown-ups only do in private. They scratch their bottoms. And if their bottoms are coated in pinworm eggs, then chances are those grubby little fingers will also have at least 1,000 eggs just waiting to be smeared all over any surface they can grab. Hand rails. Door knobs. Books. Toys. Walls. Or, best of all, adult hands who love the feeling of their child’s warmth and innocent embrace.

Scientists have calculated that anywhere from 10-40% of children have pinworms. So, I’m not saying don’t hold your child’s hand – just be aware that you may be holding onto so much more life than you realize!

2. Pinworms Eat Shit And Then Die. But Before They Do, They Lay Lots Of Eggs.

It’s true. Their food supply is that endless trough of waste that comes through our bodies. Yesterday’s Chinese take-out. That piece of fried chicken we ate for dinner. Or perhaps this morning’s bagel. They thrive off of our “leftovers” and will scavenge until they get the nutrients they need.

And, just when it seems they will eat anything, apparently even pinworms have preferences. They tend to become empowered if we eat mass quantities of meat and sugar. But, fruits and vegetables, not so much. They will spit them out like any petulant child. Everyone is a critic, I suppose!

The best part of their “date night” ritual, though, is that after they have had a great, big meal, they do what any star-crossed pair would do. They copulate. Then, while doing their best Romeo and Juliet imitation, the male dies as the female makes her way down the colon to the anus, where she will then lay her best 10,000 eggs before dying. Oh, it would all be poetic if it weren’t so very gross.

3. Pinworms Eggs Are Microscopic.

This is probably the most terrifying fact of all. It means that they can be anywhere. Everywhere. And since they are too small to be seen by the naked eye, they are likely in places that you would least suspect. Kitchen counters. Door knobs. Toothbrushes. Toys. Computer keyboards. The possibilities are truly endless. And they aren’t just on these things for a little while. Nope. They can set up shop and remain as a potential hazard for up to three weeks. THREE WEEKS!

For those of you counting, that’s 21 days. Depending on your personality, it can either be 21 days of blissful naïveté in not knowing what is around you….or, if you’re like me, it can be 21 days of being ultra-paranoid that everything you touch could be contaminated. If you are the latter, Clorox wipes will become your new best friend. So will hand-washing. That is, until your hands start to crack, bleed and mourn the loss of your more sensible past-life.

4. Pinworm Eggs Can Be Airborne.

As if the whole microscopic thing weren’t bad enough, pinworm eggs are virtually weightless. That’s not a big deal, per se, unless you realize that this means that one slight gust of wind (say, from walking across a room, changing your clothes or sneezing) can cause them to breeze through the air, going along from one object to another, virtually catapulting along until they find their final resting place in your gut. All it takes is an innocuous activity. One time of rustling papers or sorting through a clothes hamper. You can breathe them in without knowing it, just like you can inadvertently eat them without seeing them. Again, the possibilities of transmission are seemingly endless.

So, not only can every surface be contaminated, but every motion can spread the bio-hazard. The best thing to do, for those of you unable to sit fearfully still in one spot for three weeks at a time, is to simply clean everything! If you can see it, you should clean it. Wipe down all surfaces with a bleach-laced wipe. Dunk plastic toys in a bleach/water solution. Anything that can be washed in the dishwasher or washing machine should be washed. The floors should be mopped or vacuumed. Pretend your mother-in-law is coming over and scrub, scrub, scrub. If it helps, even imagine that you are hosting a stately dinner party or inviting George Clooney over for the night. Just do whatever it takes to get that house clean(er).

5. UV Light and Heat Destroy Eggs.

Everyone is afraid of something. Pinworms are no exception. They fear two things: UV light and heat. These are the two things that can bring them down. Since we can’t just open up our roof and douse every inch of our homes in warm sunlight, the next best thing you can do is open your curtains. Let the light in. And then wash your clothes, pajamas, towels, bed sheets, blankets and washcloths in the warmest water possible. Dry them with an even hotter heat. And then do it all again…just to be sure. If you repeat this process constantly over the course of treatment, you will likely get rid of the bulk of the household problem.

6. Pinworms Hate Pineapple, Papaya, Pumpkin Seeds, and Garlic.

Some people like to think holistically. Personally, when I am faced with a challenge, I prefer to think in a more nuclear fashion. I don’t usually have the patience or the nerves to “wait out” the enemy. I prefer instead to “nuke” the problem and make it magically go away. Of course, with that said, it doesn’t hurt to add a little holistic warfare to the mix. As they say – “Can’t hurt, might help!”

So, in terms of natural remedies, it has been touted that the acidic nature of pineapple makes pinworms shrivel up and die. As for why they don’t like papaya, pumpkin seeds, or garlic, I am not exactly certain of the science behind them; but, these treatments have been around for centuries. And who am I to balk at them?! Anyway, whether or not they actually do any good, it may not be a bad idea to eat them like their going out of style during this critical time. After all, there’s nothing wrong with overdoing it…is there?

7. Hand-Washing Is Your New Job.

Seriously. If you want to bring these worms down, you have to wash hands at least a million times a day. No joke. Wash them after you go to the bathroom. Before you touch your baby. After you change his diaper. Before you get lunch ready. After you have touched the cereal boxes. Before you make lunch. After you have cleaned the dishes. Before you brush your teeth. After you pick up toys. Before you touch your iPad. It will start to feel like you live (and may even die) at the sink. But, despite how ashy, cracked and painful your hands will become, remember the old adage – cleanliness is godliness – and then pity those poor chafed deities from mythology! If you are not as stoic as they were, don’t be afraid to lotion up like a prepubescent boy! Trust me! It will be your only saving grace.

8. Buy Pinworm Medication Online. Avoid (Some) Embarrassment.

So, it’s not just bad enough that you have this problem. Or that your family may have it, too. Or even that you have had to endure 900 loads of laundry in a mere four days time. Nope. The cherry on top of this entire experience will come when you must make that painfully embarrassing trip to the store to buy the medication. I personally tried to accomplish this at a large chain store. More specifically, Target. And, you know, nobody shops at Target. Nobody!

As people were milling around, on the day that I was there, it seemed that everyone had some small stake in the pharmacy section. People were walking back and forth, up and down the aisles, as I had never seen before. I thought I had remembered those aisles previously being barren and desolate – but maybe I had been thinking of CVS instead. Either way, I tried to wait out the crowds. However, after thirty minutes of pretending to check out different brands of deodorant, I realized that I just had to suck it up and get what I came to get. And to do that I would need to talk to the pharmacist.

When I got the nerve up, I quietly and discreetly asked for the medication, only to have the (young bastard) pharmacist ask me to repeat it not once, not twice, but three times! Then, in his loudest voice, he proclaimed “Ah, yes, pinworm medicine. That should be on aisle 23. But, we have some right here, too!” He handed me the box with not a shred of remorse as an odd array of customers looked sideways at my secret. Oh, joy, I thought. How very helpful. And humiliating.

It was only after I got home that I realized Amazon and Drugstore.com also sold such things. And if I had just bought it from them, I wouldn’t have had to endure such a scene. So, lesson learned, I would strongly recommend that these things be purchased online and kept on hand for whenever the need will arise. And, as long as you have kids, the need will arise.

9. Take Two (Or Three…Or Four) Rounds Of The Medication.

The box of the pinworm medication says that one round of medication is all it takes to clear up your problem. WRONG! Since the medication only kills the adults and not the eggs, it would behoove you to take another round or two (or three) just to make sure any wayward eggs are destroyed. After all, who wants to do all of this housework and laundry only to turn around and have to do it again in a few weeks. I mean, except for the fact that you will have to do it anyway…but, who’s counting. Somehow it just seems worse when it’s forced upon you by tiny organisms crawling out of your backside.

10. For All Of Their Ickiness, Pinworms Don’t Really “Do” Anything To People.

Yeah, I know I have reacted to these creatures as though they were the worst invaders known to man. In my most horrified moments, I even have had nightmares that they were the size of earthworms and had sharp, pointed teeth like a young puppy. But, as we know, that is not the case at all. In earnest, my behavior, my frenzy, could be chalked up to the simple fact that this is my phobia. (Really, it’s #4 on the list of at least 20 thought-consuming fears – but that’s another topic in and of itself!)

As most are aware, a phobia is an extreme or irrational fear of something. Pinworms are gross, they are pesky, they are inconvenient, but they are NOT life-threatening. They are not the boogey men they may seem. They do not really harm people. They simply want to find a nice warm place to live where they can set up a metaphorical white-picket fence, raise a few (thousand) kids, and die after having a decent time on this planet. Just like us. The only difference is that their house is a colon and they like to raise their kids on an anus. So, maybe it could be said that they are no different than the residents of New Jersey. 

11. You Have To Pull Yourself Together. For The Kids.

I know that I most likely got these things from my daughter. I know she is often the Typhoid Mary of our household. And I know in years to come we will find ourselves facing many more battles with the things she brings home (viruses, pets, boyfriends). But, though this may be true, it is important not to fall apart and blame her for this nightmare.

As much as I wanted to unfurl the hazmat suit and spray toxic substances all over our entire quarantined home, my better judgment pulled back the reigns and made me realize what is important. My family. My husband. My son. My daughter. They may all be carriers of some sort of pestilence. They may have infected me. They may even infect me again. But, it is important not to fall apart over it. Or make them feel insecure, unloved and dirty.

Yes, it is hard to keep the heebee-jeebee’s from getting to me some days. There are moments when I sit on the toilet and cry, thinking of all of the prospective problems that we will face one day (a recurrence of this one problem included). But, the hippies do have it right about one thing – we should really just live in the moment, because it is the only thing we truly have. Well, and worms, too. But at least that will soon change, I hope.

An Elf’s Guide For Momma’s Holiday Survival


These days, it seems to be a holiday requirement for each home to possess their own Elf on the Shelf. And, if you’ve been paying attention, you will notice how every single household is trying to outdo the others in ways of creativity, cutesiness and cheer. Parents are going into full-blown planning mode, months and months in advance, all so that they can come up with new and interesting ways to hide these ubiquitous imps. And frankly, folks, it is turning into insanity!!

I have seen my fair share of moms break down and lose it over a bad Pinterest picture, a plagiarized hiding spot or a momentary creative block. Luckily for me, our family has a very different kind of elf. And he has a very different message! Here are the nuggets of wisdom our elf has imparted to us – tips that have helped me to survive this season:

Unavailable Be Unavailable

Anyone and everyone comes calling during this time of year. Whether it be the invitations to boring office parties, the loathsome sight of carolers, or well-meaning fruitcake-toting acquaintances, folks are all about getting up in your space. And, worse than that, they don’t seem to know that a locked door, closed blinds or an unplugged phone mean “LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” Somehow, that gets lost in translation and people, being so transfixed by the blaze of twinkling lights, believe it’s their duty to just try you again later. Yes, they mean well, but if you let them, they will rob you of your time…and possibly your soul.

So just, you know, take a chill pill and tune them all out. Be unavailable. If they don’t get the message at first, they will soon enough. And if you are ever confronted about it later on, just say you had the flu. If they’re truly jolly and Christian, they will have to believe you!

Green Be Green

Millions and Billions of trees are killed each year for our excessive desire to write things down. And for what?! Most of our paper-based holiday activities, such as Christmas cards, are pointless, time-consuming, are just plain wasteful. I mean, seriously, doesn’t it seem silly to send a card wishing someone a “Merry” this or “Happy” that when, let’s be honest, you never give a second thought the rest of the year?!

So, cut the crap. Simplify! Put your environmental (read cheap and/or lazy) foot down and stop cutting down more trees just to keep up with the status quo. Instead, make up one e-card that you can blast to your colleagues/friends/neighbors. Don’t worry about making it perfect. If they’re anything like you, they won’t even look at it. And, as for the elderly folks in your life, just tell them that you sent a card but the G.D. post office must have lost it. Their anger will distract them from questioning you further.

Resourceful Be Resourceful

The holidays often equate to an increase in kitchen time. And typically there are four reasons for this:

1) Kids love gingerbread. And, they look forward to the season where they can create an entire gingerbread metropolis that they can destroy.

2) Schools want what you’ve got. They’re always fund-raising and assume that they can leverage more guilt/shame to make you either spend your money or your time. Not that you don’t have time. Or money. Right?! But usually there is a standard that feels best met by concocting home-made goodies. So, in order to keep up with those other bitches in the PTA, why not build a Sacher-Torte for a new pee-wee T-ball stadium or a meringue pie for the A.V. club. Whatever. It’s for your child. Or some random kid, anyway. And the pat on the back you will receive, as a result, will last all of three seconds. Your time will be SO worth it!

3) Misery loves company. That’s right. It’s the only clichéd adage that is true. Statistics will show that most people gain a bit of weight during the holidays. As a result, everyone will try to offer a baked goodie from their kitchen to plump you up so they won’t feel so alone in this process. And the added bonus for them is the idea that you will have to comply by making something for them in return. They will get to have their cake, eat it, and then blame you later for their weight gain, too. It’s really a brilliant system. Too bad you already see through it.

4) Families expect to be fed. That’s the worst part of any occasion, isn’t it?! And I’m not just talking about the folks who live under your roof. The holiday season somehow has become synonymous with the concept of grand-scale feasts in which every half-witted half-cousin is invited. And the more family you have, the sooner in the year you can expect talk about that upcoming year-end session of gluttony…at YOUR house. If you make it good, they will salivate over it all year long, expecting that you have just created a new “tradition.”

To all of these four things, I have two words: STORE BOUGHT! Store bought cookie dough. Store bought baked goodies. Store bought meals. Store bought everything! Sure, it might be a little more expensive at first but how much is your time worth? A lot more than the $2.99 five-pound tub of Ore Ida potato flakes. Most people won’t even know the difference between a Pepperidge Farm cookie and your own. And, if someone calls you out, you will know which box of goodies to sneak a laxative into…next year!

Realistic Be Realistic

Kids want everything! And somehow they are born with the idea that every small desire equates to a grand and dire need. Sometime between the end of Summer and the early part of November, they start putting together a Christmas wish list. For those of you who have experienced this phenomenon, you can attest to the fact that these “lists” are sometimes long scrolls of paper, large enough to wallpaper an entire room. Yes, and let me mention that at least 90% of the items on these lists are useless, flimsy, mass-produced junk that will only get about a week’s worth of play. And that’s being optimistic.

So, when doing your Christmas shopping, try to scale back and use your children’s weaknesses against them. Rewrap presents you gave them last year or the year before. You know, the gifts they just had to have, that you searched all over creation to find, just so they could open them on Christmas morning, look mildly amused and then chuck them into a pile (a pit, really) of forgotten toys in the back of their closet. Yeah, those toys! If you’re feeling extra motherly, you can wrap them up with special, shiny wrapping paper and put colorful bows of your choice. Just the bright and shiny objects surrounding the toys should be enough to distract them from the déjà vous of the moment.

This works especially well for younger children; BUT, if they are older, more observant, and do happen to figure you out, just play it cool. Divert their attention. “Look,” you can say, “Santa noticed that you hadn’t played with the toys he got you last year so he was just giving you a reminder. Your real presents will come next year. After you have cleaned your room and done your chores. For now, kid, just be grateful for central heat and a stocked refrigerator.” Then sit back and pat yourself on the back. Not only have you gotten away with the biggest hoax of the century, you have also done your part in creating one less, self-entitled spoiled asshole. And isn’t that the best gift of all?!

Charity Be Charitable

Another thing that the holidays is good for is guilt. And everyone is eager to make you feel bad for something. When you walk into a department store, the Salvation Army Santa is ringing his bell in discontent that you are consuming and not sharing. Phone calls for Charity X and Charity Y ring you down like bill collectors, offering “plans for giving” as though it were your obligation. And, sure, when you live in a warm house with a healthy family and food in your belly, the guilt does start to creep in. But, sometimes, every once in a while, it’s nice to give that bit of guilt the finger.

Life is not always a cake walk. For anyone. Truth be told, in all of my years with central air-conditioning, a working dishwasher and all ten of my fingers, I have still endured some truly shitty moments. Yes, I acknowledge that it’s lucky for me to have all of my limbs. No my husband doesn’t beat me. And, the only land mines I walk through daily are the square blocks my son lines on the living room floor.

So, while I might seem to have a charmed life, I could list other statistics that would make you cry. My deaf left ear. My smooth and sickly cat. The fact that my car was stolen one day when I was having lunch with a friend. Or the fact that the same friend told me I looked fat in my favorite purple sweater. But, whatever. We all have problems. And we all have guilt. And don’t feel bad if this holiday season all you feel like giving the world is a piece of your mind, a grumble or a big thumbs down rather than a dollar.

Merry Be Merry

I used to have a friend named Mary. She was not the sharpest tool in the shed and she liked to drink. A lot! But, if there was one good thing you could say about Mary, it was the fact that she was always the life of the party. This was true primarily because she always did whatever she wanted without worrying about other people’s thoughts. In other words, she had no decorum, manners, shame, OR dignity. And, while all of those traits sound like a bad thing, you know, sometimes there is a virtue to being “that kind of person.”

This year, if stress is getting you down or the expectations of the season are getting to be too much, it might be time to be more like Mary…and be Merry. While it’s true that it might not feel good the next day, baby, living life in the moment always feels AWESOME! WOOOHHOOO! Just one tip to remember, though – make sure your festive behavior doesn’t get caught on film.

Irreverent Be Irreverent

For some people, this time of year is the ultimate holy season. A lollapalooza of all things Christian. And then there are other people who just like to build snowmen and drink hot chocolate. No matter which team your friends are playing for, there is only one thing that is certain: they all expect you to be just as reverent and respectful of their “season” as they are.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a little irreverence. That’s the very thing that makes life interesting and comical. But, a word of advice from someone who knows – pole dancing around Christmas trees is harder than it looks. In other words, know your audience and know when to attempt such feats – otherwise, you may have a pine scented hoo-hoo and about twenty less friends for absolutely no reason at all!

Just Be Just Be

This one should be simple, but in this day and age unfortunately it is not. Most people in our culture have forgotten this one, very important tenet to true and utter happiness. Just be. That means every once in a while just turn it all off. That’s right. The TV. The phone. The iPad. The radio. All of that noise that constantly fills our space. Turn. It. All. OFF!

And then what, you might ask?! This is where it gets interesting. Just sit with your thoughts. Enjoy the silence. Be in the moment. Notice the small things. Live. Breathe. Repeat. It’s not imperative that you check your Facebook page every two minutes. The world won’t fall apart if your Twitter twits don’t know what you had for lunch. And the nonsensical, time-wasting emails can wait. Just sit back, take some time for yourself, your family, and your kiddos…and, you know, drive each other nuts the old-fashioned way!

When “Friends” Don’t “Like” Your Facebook Posts


facebook dislike

Facebook. It’s an interesting microcosm that teeters somewhere between the worlds of high school drama and creepy voyeurism. With very little work, people are able to link to the lives of friends and family that they haven’t seen in years. Decades, even. Peering into their daily minutiae remotely. Tuning in and out within seconds. It’s the abridged version of friendship, removing all of the unwanted parts of human socialization such as making eye contact and hearing people talk. It’s great.

However, there are underlying problems which emerge from this seemingly innocuous website – the innumerable grudges you hold against people who don’t like the things you post. More specifically, pictures you post. Of your kids. Doing cute things. Because, goddamnit, you know your kids are the best and you want the entire world to know it too!

Sure, it would be kind to allow for the benefit of the doubt. Said person is, after all, your friend (or, at least, someone possessing a quality that makes you hate them a little less than an enemy). So, you try to be understanding. You think, maybe they didn’t see your pictures. Maybe they got lost in the enormous feed from their 536 other “friends.” Maybe they were having a “screen-free” Wednesday. Maybe they were busy. Maybe they found a real life to lead. Maybe you’re not the center of their universe.

Alas, you would be wrong on several of those assumptions, namely because you know their type. You have cyber-stalked them via the modern stage just enough to know that they are not that strong-willed or interesting. No, they’ve been on the site. They just didn’t like your shit.

Everyone has at least a couple of people like this in their realm. The person who lives and breathes Facebook. They login every day from work. From the post office. From the grocery store checkout. In the middle of their kid’s soccer game. In the middle of traffic. In the middle of workouts. They are addicts!

Their posts are random, scattered across a day in an indecipherable pattern. Sometimes at noon. Sometimes at 5:30 p.m. Sometimes at 3:00 in the morning. They don’t want to miss a beat and they are always “in the know.” They are the Gladys Kravitz of their day (kids born before the “Bewitched” era or Nick-At-Nite might need to look up this reference).

Occasionally they post their thoughts on some reality show finale, or share an article they read on the Yahoo front page, but mostly they just “like” a bunch of stuff. They give out that cyber thumbs-up like it’s going out of style. To anyone and everyone. Almost as if they were cyber-whores seeking the twisted approval of others. They give props to just about any bit of trite and mundane news to come across their screen. “Joey ate tacos for lunch at that new Mexican restaurant yesterday.” Like. “Sports team X really needs to step up their game if they want to make playoffs!!” Like. “Here are some pictures of a bird I found on the internet.” Like.

Yet, in the short span of a year, when you have been selective and thoughtful in your posts, sharing only the best 10 pictures of your kids, you get nada. Zip. Nothing. So, what gives?! It’s always hard to pinpoint their reasoning. No one knows what goes on in someone’s head; but, you’re up for the challenge and you start to analyze them anyway.

Maybe you didn’t “like” their kids’ pictures enough. But why would you? Their kid is hideous and annoying. And he ripped up your favorite scarf and puked on your new wood floors. Besides, you still hit that beloved button on some of the things they post. Even the lame things. Such as that picture of them at the baby shower you weren’t invited to attend. Or a piece of cheesecake they “made.” No, there must be more to it than that.

Maybe they hate you because you look better in Capri pants than they do. Maybe they are jealous because their new baby looks more like Jabba the Hutt than any infant reasonably should (and yours, of course, doesn’t). Or even, possibly, they just don’t like your politics. Or your religion. Or your lack of politics. Or lack of religion. They find you detestable but, because they live under the delusion that they are “good people,” they give you the ultimate favor and act like you’re their friend. You know, because life isn’t already overflowing with pretentious assholes and posers. Plus they think you’ll never figure it out. Their hatred of you is invisible, so they have come to believe. From their standpoint, that deafening silence that radiates from their invisible cyber-disdain doesn’t even register as any sort of social faux pas. They assume you are too busy to notice. Well, think again, Frenemy!

You’re onto them! You know they don’t like you. And you have Facebook to thank for that. In addition to this new-found truth, another thing becomes glaringly obvious – you think they are a dick (even more than you did before). And despite any pleasantries and fake smiles you wear for them in public, you secretly, silently loathe their very existence just as much as they loathe yours.

The social gloves are off. Facebook has opened your eyes to the true, inner nature of people with whom you associate. And, once you have seen the light, there is no turning back. There isn’t a grand show of affection, a sincere act of kindness, or a humble moment of humanity that can turn back the tide of their absence in your profile. Things will forever be different. Even if only in your mind.

Besides, what’s the good of humanity without judgment, resentment and hatred for petty reasons? It was the foundation for great things such as the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisitions, the Maury Povich Show and Yelp. It’s the one aspect of mankind that will never find itself removed from the evolutionary conveyor belt of life. It’s here for keeps. And Facebook is but one mere tool aiming to prolong its inevitable existence.

So, what happens now? Where do we go from here? There is really only one decent option – keep posting those pictures of your children. Do it with wild abandon. Stage the most adorable, cheek-pinchingly cute pictures of your munchkins and their angelic/photogenic faces. Add witty captions. Make it a weekly habit. Fill up your feed. Do it until people start unfriending you or removing your posts from their feed (not like you’ll notice, right?!). Do it like it’s going out of style. And, just when you can’t keep up with this demanding schedule any longer, remove the silent friend and/or friends from your Facebook register. Forever. And play dumb if they ever mention it to you.

Of course, with that said, this plan goes out the window if these insipid specimens of humanity finally give you a thumbs up. Hate them or not, getting cyber approval – ANY cyber approval – still feels pretty darn good! And, believe me, that is a human trait much more shameful than hatred.